This is what Beautiful Looks Like

Wow,
This year has really been one of unfolding in regards to body image,and how I project "health". I realized some months ago that part of the reason I had been unable to shed the weight I gained during chemotherapy was because I had my energy focused on keeping the people around me comfortable ...not shaking the boat so-to-speak.
I see my friends and co-workers intermittently throughout the calendar year. Sometimes 10 months go by before I see someone again. In that 'first impression moment' we all make snap judgments about each others' health and vitality, as well as suppositions about stuff that really is none of our business, like who they may be dating, or is that a new tattoo?

Anyway, the first time I showed up at a seasonal location, weighing 10 pounds less than the year before, everyone asked (in that concerned voice that tends to capitalize the word 'Cancer') ... "How are you doing? is your health alright?". Which my subconscious people-pleaser translated into "People get worried about me when I lose weight." Immediate self-sabotage ensued. This realization was not immediate... and it's possible that I finally got some freedom around it due to the fact that now I've been cancer-free for more than 5 years.

In that same vein, I had the story that I had a responsibility to look healthy when people saw me for the first time in a year, which meant not leaving the house without makeup and cute hair. Just within the past year, I let go of the need to wear makeup daily. I get that health is more of an energetic projection than a 'look'.

In this piece of the puzzle, I was brought to the truth that in my world (granted, more artists and alt-types than other parts of the universe), 'Healthy' doesn't wear makeup ... or perhaps ... the energetic "I am the archetypal Healthy, no matter what I look like today" that I put forward, has brought dozens of old friends forward to tell me how healthy I look.

Raw food is not cause in this journey, it is more effect. as I live "I am Healthy" the tools I need are showing up in my life.

So in all of this personal exploration, I entered a contest on Raw Fu entitled "This is what beautiful looks like", with a makeup-less photo of myself ... and I won second place. Mind-blowing really.

the photo is in the post below, entitled Day 22.

Rhonni

Collage-work on the question 'Why Raw?"

This morning I worked a collage in an attempt to get a conscious picture of my subconscious purposes for this raw diet. I know that the scale is a fickle master, and I know intellectually that I'm not doing this solely to lose weight, but I wanted to see what came up in a speed-collage on the question.


I started the process gathering a lot of images of healthy women who are thinner than myself, but that is not the weight of the collage. the weight of the collage seems to be "The enjoyment of Nature" and at the center, "being strong and pulling myself up out of medical fears". This is really valuable in that it gives me a point of reference for whether or not I'm "winning" at this challenge. I feel healthier, yes, I am strong? yes. I am less fearful of doctors visits? ... Yes, I think so.

Alkalizing my body gives me a concrete action to take in regards to that pesky "fear of recurrence" that flits into a cancer survivor's psyche at times of exhaustion or other lows. This is a bigger gift by far than the idea of wearing a size 6 or 8 again.

... and just look at how danged happy she looks gathering ripe mangos from a stand! I can completely relate to this image.

Day 22

I took this picture this afternoon.

I'm on my 22nd day of High Raw eating. I'm still amazed at the amount of energy I have. I'm a little tired of chewing so much. This leads me to the fact that although I'm moving kitchens in 2 weeks, I really need a blender here. I'm drinking supergreens drinks in order to get enough greens in, but since it's a busy time of year for me, I haven't spent much time playing with recipes or making green smoothies.

I read today on Matt Monarch's blog (an old blog about PCOS), that a raw diet without green smoothies is a deficient diet ... so I'll need to address this. I've got a Blendtec at the apartment in Houston, so I'll be set once I'm there. I'm ordering an Excalibur 5 tray for that kitchen as well, once I'm sure of when I'll be there to receive it.

So right now I'm eating a lot of foods in their natural state, which requires a lot of chewing. That tooth that will be okay until the winter when I get back to my dentist?? ... Well it's not so happy with all of this chewing. El Dentista gave me a porcelain filling rather than a crown, because he needed me to come back in a week, and I was already scheduled to be on the road. So we both expect it to be replaced with a crown this winter. However, there is a gap behind that tooth, which catches food often, and raw food is danged fibrous! I will say that right now I am the best flosser I've ever been in my life ... so that is the fringe benefit I am holding on to.

Day 17, 90% or more RAW

I'm on day 17 of a raw food experience. I say experience because I don't want to put a framework on how long I'm doing this. I'm eating as close to 100% raw as I can, without beating myself up. This has meant 17 days above 90% raw, and an unprecedented energy level. I've shifted from my teapot full or more of strong black tea with soymilk, to one cup of green tea daily.

I'm in my busy season, so I've not yet found a great deal of time for experimenting in the kitchen. However, it's the peak of summer, so individual fruits and veggies are amazing on their own. This has truly been much easier than I imagined. Part of the ease is that I found an online community that is sharing a 100 day raw food challenge. It's hosted by the very clever and very entertaining Bunny Berry. I was invited to the group (you can't get there without an invite apparently, which adds to the feeling of a shared private space) 4 days after the challenge started, so I suppose I'm not 'officially' a challenger, but I've never been one to be kept out of a party where I really want to be.

There's an inner conversation here about weightloss, and health ... that I want to explore more. Something I heard a couple of weeks ago spurred some thoughts around this: while I live the vast majority of my life from a place of responsibility ... I was still living as a victim in regards to my metabolism/genetics/weight. In that, I'm saying that I am clear that my thoughts underly my actions, and I am responsible energetic-ly for all of the events in my life. I truly believe this. Whether I set them up as lessons, or whatever, I believe that events and circumstances are a part of my life as I line myself up for further unfoldment. I found that in regards to weight, I had that parts of it were "not my fault".

So in late July, I 'got' that I was out of integrity around my food choices in relation to what I was 'saying' that I wanted. I had slipped back so far as to have bought "diet" products with multitudes of artificial ingredients, because I was just going to work the program as it was designed (that program being Weight Watchers), in order to lose weight. Now my visualization is "I am a healthy, happy, and fit 130 pounds." My vision of 'fit' does not include artificial sweeteners, and I prefer an alkaline pH for my blood. None of this was being addressed as I bought light string cheese and Weight Watchers' yogurts and breads.

I had done an alkaline diet in the past. I'm pretty good at it, but it felt restrictive to avoid so many fruits ... summertime being the worst time in regards to that. It (the alkaline diet) includes grapefruit, lemons, tomatoes and avocados, so I did okay in winter, while living at our citrus/avocado orchard. In comparison, a raw vegan diet is almost luxurious. I mean, after counting points, or avoiding fruit, or nuts ... to be able to eat as much as I want, whenever I want, so long as it's raw and vegan ... heavenly ... really.

How I ended up here is a story in itself. I'll leave that for another post. Suffice to say that the moment I noticed a victim mentality around food or weightloss, the Universe began conspiring to send me tools with which to attend to my needs.

Rhonni